I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
