Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
