just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
