So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
