You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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