So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
