Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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