if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
