I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
