I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
