I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
