Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
