I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
