god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
