it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
