He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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