I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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