bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
