im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
