Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
the raccoons are back...
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