Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
