He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
