Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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