I'm going to rape someone's good day.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
