Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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