Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
