i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just found a bag of teeth...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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