i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
