Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
