Sry I called you an 8
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
