i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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