Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
