I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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