Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
