this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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