I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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