he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
