I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
