shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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