textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize