I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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