Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
