living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
