i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
