things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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