I love black thongs
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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