I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
