The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
