She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
no you cant smoke seaweed
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
