I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
