Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
