it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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