i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Pooping to opera.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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