im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
