I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
