I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
