So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
