I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
