I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
