god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
