oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You're earring is so big in my mouth
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
