Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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