and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
