Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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